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The annoying buzzing sound of that god-awful printer I have finally coughed out the last page of my new script. Another second of that ERRRR ZZZZ ERRRR ZZZZ and I think I would of thrown that damn thing out the window. You would think with all the advances in computer technology there would be one fourth grader computer wiz who makes printers silent, shows that us Americans are wasting out tax money on punk kids.
Finally it was done. After the ringing in my ears went away I began to skim through it.
Everything a good comedy should have, deep humor, dumb humor, and a main character having some serious physical pain inflicted on him.
“Hey Jenny! Do you know where my stapler is?”
My shouting echoed through a dark hallway when all I could hear back was slight mumbles, which I’m sure she said back to me was “Check up your ass.” Since she knows how bad my hearing is. I screamed back to her that I didn’t quit catch what she said so she walked into my office. Her long legs where covered in nice black nylon stalking, witch rode up to her business woman looking skirt, and up to her fancy, and I don’t mean fancy looking I mean $10,000 kinda fancy, shirt. All those beautiful clothes couldn’t match that more beautiful mug of hers, witch I swear gets more gorgeous every time I see it, but I knew she was a good Christian so I know I have a chance with her like people in hell have a chance to get a glass of ice water.
“Your stapler is out on the living room table Joe, where you always leave it.”
Her tone was like the way a mother tells her kid that he’s stupid with out making him cry.
“Oh yeah…” I slightly mumbled to myself. I couldn’t believe that I was almost in my thirty’s and I’m still nervous around woman. I ran as fast as I could out to the table to get my stapler, I noticed it on the living room table next to a bunch of mixed up magazines and DVD cases (mostly evil dead ). I lunged over the top of my fancy but not to expensive couch to reach for it, right when my finger tips touched the black top of the stapler my ADD kicked in and I noticed what Jenny was watching, some stupid rehab reality show. Reality shows tend to piss me off since not only do they cop out hard working screenplay writers like me, but also most of them suck, and are on MTV.
Reality shows just try to make people go insane on the way of making a million dollars. That’s why I hate these shows, there are a lot better ways to whore yourself, like mostly whore yourself. Now I know she’s a lot smarter then this kind of TV, so why the hell was she watching this? This stuff is what fourteen year old girls or anyone else who didn’t make it through high school watch, this is what I call “idiot TV.” Idiot TV is for little kids that don’t know what a story line is, or people who don’t know how to read so they watch this with closed captions on to learn how. Reality TV is just shit, and this is one of the worst. Nothing better then crack heads twitching all day since they didn’t get there fix. See it got me ranting, and old past time of my childhood. Before I let my flash backs and anger get the best of me I was able to grab my stapler and ran back into my office.

I was running past a few paintings and posters in frame I have all over my walls. Paintings of Sam Rami, Bruce Campbell and a bunch of Army of Darkness poster. If I hadn’t of seen these movies, I would of never been the big shot director that I am now. No one at all would know the name Joe Wilke, unless you where my therapist. During this slight jog I went back to reality, and I was back in my home office.
“Well where the hell is the script?”
I looked around my desk and I couldn’t find my script, an unbelievable amount of pissed off that went through my mind.
“Jenny where in the hell is my…?”
Just before I could finish my sentence I felt this SLAP go across my chest with a loud bam. See most people who love each other, or in our case known each other for so long, finish each other sentences by using words, Jenny just hits me with something really sharp, or something really hard. And most of the time it’s the thing that I’m looking for. There’s tough love, then there’s this kind of beat the hell out of your employer. Some of you might be asking why I put up with her abuse like this, and the story goes way back to high school. See Jenny have been pals since I was 15. She was 18 at the time we knew each other. Our friendship was the cliché 80’s teen movie. She was perfect, I was a nerd. When I had to transfer schools, it was a pretty hard goodbye for me, so when I made my paycheck from my first movie Lone Wolf I realized I needed a maid. When she showed up at a job interview for the job, of course I was happy, well more like a little kid after he just snorted three kilos of coke. I was also a little confused, this lady had an education, she had a great voice. She could be on a runway but she decided to be my maid. I didn’t question it to much because I was too happy to see her again after a few years,
I hired her on the spot. I don’t regret hiring her, I just regret all the flesh wounds and near stabbings I get. And she’s not really a maid maid.

Let me explain my living situation for you, I live alone. As in not single alone, I mean my mansions in the woods. I live ALONE. I have a few reasons. I work better alone without and distractions, and I hate people. I mean I can deal with the usual fan, sure ill give him a signature and a smile. But then there are times when I don’t feel like being bothered, like when IM FUCKING SLEEPING. There where too many wacko people out there that wanted too many pictures, and the fact that I just plain hate people that get in my way. Most of the times I leave the house if I want to hunt, go for a nice stroll in these woods, or if I just can’t take the isolation. That’s why Jenny is so important, she does all my shopping, all my dry cleaning, hell if it involves outside at all, she does it for me. Sure when I first hired her there was a few times where I gave her money to fix the car and she came home with a sparkling new dress, but I’m a nice man so would let those little things go. Its helps me a lot so I don’t have to do simple things like well everything instead of writing. But back to the subject at hand.

I got the stapler and clipped the pages neatly together, after blowing on it I skimmed through the first page. Aw yes my first “comedy” movie. See I was known as the guy who did “That one movie where that guy got a claw through his head and it came out of his mouth” gag. Yes pure movie magic when your first movie was a genius cliché of kids going to a cabin in the woods only to get chopped up. But the thing that made it a little different was there where no “demons” it was an experiment gone horribly wrong causing little children there lives. Which still makes me wonder why I got so much trouble from Christians since they said my movie had some weird relationship with the devil (Yes my movie did in fact take Satan out to a nice steak dinner) and that it should be banned. I was used to hearing my movies sucking, but I know I made it when people are so afraid of it they think the devil himself made it. See, self esteem boosts can be found in the strangest of places. But back to the subject. A comedy movie. Now this is my definition of comedy not FART. HAHAHAHA oh that was great. More along the lines of the main character getting pissed off, and saying some of the greatest one liners ever. I had Jenny read through it a few times since I like human feed back, and she’s the kind of audience I want to attract, people that can breath on there own. There where a few times where I got that forced chuckle, I know what it sounded like since my mom made that same noise when ever I brought home a report card. She said “that there are some parts where you laugh since you don’t know what the hell just happened, and other laughs since that comeback was so funny.”  Which is a good thing.

Here’s some advice for you little kids that want to write movies. Don’t write a gross out comedy. The genres getting way to old, and if you do anything to try to top American Pie then it would be porn. Everything is trying to be shocking and edgy and make you want to throw up, the only time when that was funny is when it was Jack Ass: The Movie since everything that happened in that movie was REAL, and they crashed cars. If you want to make a comedy, show something that people haven’t seen before that doesn’t involve sperm. That’s what I built this movie on. See iv always been an old fashion kind of guy. But to some points through, I don’t have 56k modem, but I still have CDs. Iv noticed that almost every comedy movie that has came out recently is in the genre of “gross out comedy” or “teen sex comedy.” I never understood these movies since horn dogs get old after the first 15 minuets of the flick, and old people getting boners is something that would make my stomach turn inside out. I was hoping to change the ways into the comedy movie, but instead of taking a step back into the two idiots going on a life changing adventure and then getting some sweet loving, I made my movie somewhat slapstick, but mostly witty banter and clever dialog between characters, and some Loonies running around as well. Sure there were some icky moments of “Is the coach of the foot ball team really wanting to take a shower with the new kid?” Its only gross when it needs to be, just a slight gag to get the crowd smiling and laughing, but nothing to much like making someone eat there own shit. Also I never really liked how people try to get laughs out of saying fuck a whole lot. Its been way over done, I mean back in the day of Denis Leary it was supposed to be shocking and taboo, but now its over done or just not done right. That’s why I made sure there weren’t to much fuck words but a hell of a lot of damns, pisses, and other slight curse words, but nothing to drastic. And of course the greatest way to get a laugh is the unexpected. Just out of no where a anvil drops on Bugs Bunny’s head and smashes him, it was funny then and its funny now, even when were adults. Sure the teen comedy’s were bringing in the big cash, but I was never going to dumb myself down just for a few extra zeros at the end of my check, and besides I think the people who find these kind of movies funny need to be locked in cages.

I had all the ingredients to a great comedy, funny sexy characters, witty banter, and huge amounts of physical pain. The only problem was that I love my writing since I’m the one who writes all this crap, I needed to know what others thought of it as well. That’s also a great use for Jenny. Man am I glad I got the maid that actually knows how to read. I usually make her my genuine pig for all of my scripts, rants, online postings, website updates and basically anything else that I write, even if it is just an e-mail. When she’s not busy reading my writing or doing my work… well I never really knew what she did with her free time. After we ate dinner together I gave her the keys to the car and she would speed off to wherever she wanted to go. I told her the minuet I find a dent in this or any other of my cars, she can pack her shit and leave. I don’t care that she spends my money on dresses all the time, but I take huge pride in my cars. Sure they where just Hummers, and Vipers, but there MY Hummers and Vipers. Of course she never takes the Hummers since she’s always been into helping the environment, saving mother Earth, and won’t let me eat cheese from a can kind of hippie stuff, so she takes my death trap Vipers and other sports cars. I would usually bitch about what’s on TV, slam other filmmakers on my website www.thewilkster.com and other online blogs that my fans read, and try to base there life on. Or I would work on my new movie, or wait for my phone to ring so that my agent Lenny would pitch a really shitty movie towards me. Which reminds me, I need to give him a call about the new script, and I need to make copies of them and send them out to the head honchos of Hollywood. I should get started on that right now shouldn’t I?